Revival

Well well, it was with much coincidence that I remembered I had such a blog some time back, and with some luck, I managed to find it again.

It has been years since my last post and I guess this time, I'll be changing the direction of this blog a little, in light of the previous years of my life and the things I've experienced and seen.

Fair Warning: If you dislike reading about other's random rants, emotional whining and depressing thoughts, I recommend you leave this page immediately, and never come back. 

Another Warning: If you came across this blog by pure chance, and you know me, I would advise you to read on with a pinch of salt. This WILL change your opinion of me, and I am prepared to lose any relations I have with you due to this. Leave now, if you value me as any entity in your life.

*

*

*

*

*

*
*

With that, let me move on to my revival post. I guess this will be more like reflections of the few years of my university life in general, probably (quite) biased towards the emotional aspects.

Since my last post, I have moved on in life, through various ups and downs. There have been great moments, making new friends, new colleagues, new acquaintances, as well as the negatives such as losing friends, going through tough patches and realizing that the world is just not as ideal as I imagined it to be.

The graduation from polytechnic brought about a new phase in life, entrance into university. For one, although the path through university was filled with much obstacles academically, I am glad I made the choice to join the club which I did. I have made a lot of great friends, and known a lot of wonderful people. Even if truth be told, no one is able to predict how long these friendships will last, but it is definitely one of the best periods of my life. I made the decision, to treat everyone nicely, so that no one should suffer what I have been through, emotionally and mentally.

With this expansion in my social circle, it unavoidably brings with it emotional bonds. When I first entered, I believed strongly that I had given up on all hope of ever falling in love with someone due to my previous experiences. I thought I was strong enough mentally to not fall into the same trap again. I was dead wrong.

Part 1 - Softening

It happened at the beginning, when I just joined the club. I saw this girl, this senior. Granted, she was cute, and quite pretty, but that wasn't all it took to shake my firm belief. She was so honest, so true to everyone, that it was pretty much impossible to doubt what she said. Her purity was beyond that of anyone I've ever seen at that point in time. She was of course, well-liked by many, and very popular amongst our peers. Although she was my senior academically, she was still younger than me, given what I've been through in life. At that point in time, I never thought one day I would develop feelings for her, because I believed my heart to be so dead. But as time passed, getting to know her better, and spending time alongside our other club mates, I realized that I wasn't looking at her as just a simple friend anymore, that I wanted to be more than that. It was then that I realized that my heart wasn't as dead as I thought it was, that it was beating hard whenever I saw her. 

I confessed (or at least I think I did) by giving her a present and card on Valentine's Day one year, after an outing with all the singles of the club. What happened after, I never quite knew. The friendship was still there, but there was no developments, no moving on, just there, stagnant. Was I friendzoned? I guess I was. That brought me into a period of self-denial, my dark side had surfaced once again and I only had thoughts of closing myself out from everyone once again. But my situation would not allow me to do that, because I would stop caring for everyone else if I did. I had to put on a mask, bearing the pain in my heart, and show everyone I was still the cheerful, loud and annoying me, when I really wasn't. I had to do that, and I told myself, no more, I would never want to experience this feeling again.

== Probably feels like a story, or fiction now.. But all this is true.. ==

 Part 2 - The Cycle Repeats

The past was in the past, I went on with life, being true to everyone I knew, and never betraying my principles in life. I did so for the months to come. I had really wonderful seniors, similar batch mates, and juniors. The lesson was buried deep in me, and it served as a reminder well.

Not as well as I thought, though. There was this girl who was in the same batch as me, whom I was able to get along quite well with (in my opinion). Granted she was quite young too, she was cute and very nice too. I guess we never really talked a lot, but were able to click when there were events when both of us were present. It was like having a little sister in school, someone to have fun with, but we never hung out much too. It was just like that feeling, where we did not have to talk that much, to understand each other.

Back then, I was flooded academically, alot of projects, presentations, schoolwork and everything else. It was then I realized that maybe, just maybe, I made a mistake thinking that my better-than-average polytechnic grades meant that university would not be that much of a problem for me. I was struggling to maintain a pass in all my modules, and to balance my academic and social life. I had to pull through it. But when I spoke to her about it, it felt that much better. Her coursework as taxing, much more than mine in engineering. It was like mutual support mentally, and I was glad there was someone to talk to about it.

As time went by, I began to realize I actually liked her. Maybe I had just taken her for granted as a friend, but when I knew it, she was attached. I never wanted to do anything to destroy anyone's relationship, so I stayed at a side, watching her and wishing the best for her. After some time, she was single again somehow. But my fear from the past grasped my heart tightly, I was unable to open my mouth again, unable to express my feelings, and my thoughts, and that just led to nothing happening, even till more recently, when she is attached once again.

I resigned myself to fate. It was over. I could no longer take that step, into the zone of darkness, into uncertainty. I had lost my self-confidence, every drop of it. Fate, is this it? Am I really unable to revive my heart again? I should stop, stop trying, so that I would never be hurt again.

I thought I had made up my mind.

... To be continued (this post is getting far too long)

Random thoughts

Some things have set me thinking... Everything that's happening, every single action, and every single response... I thought I had made a good friend, someone whom i could confide in, but NO.. That person made me put my trust in them, but in the end, all they did was to ever break it. Why is it some people do things that hurt others, and still can stupidly smile it through? Why is it some people make you believe in them, only to throw and trample on your trust? Why is it that some people just refuse to learn the easy way, and choose the painful and tough way? Why cant people learn not to say things that they're unable to do? Why do some people never ever treasure those close to them? Cliques, besties, loves, what are all these? Have I become unfeeling? Am I just an empty body with no soul? Do I have to be forced to really close myself off to every other person who I know? Never to let anyone understand me?

Just random whining.. wanna let some things off my chest..

When things come, i guess im just not as well polished as before, to be able to take everything in my stride.. Go do whatever you all want, dont need to tell me or ask me.. i dun wanna care anymore..